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I woke up this morning to my alarm at 830. I was planning to get up and get back to school early. This didn’t work. I battled the alarm (You know, the alarm strikes every 9 minutes by making the most irritating sound ever into your ear, and you strike back by hitting it’s Achilles’ heel a.k.a. the snooze button.) until 1113 or so, and I stumbled out. However, some strange things happened during the hours I laid in bed last night. It was a night of endless awakenings. I had the floating sensation once or twice, and that was always accompanied by the falling sensation afterwards. I had dreams I cannot remember, although I am positive they were there. By the time I woke up, every animal in the house was in my room. This is not a normal occurance. I always awake alone, in my bed, with the door closed and the blinds pulled. Today I awoke to my two cats in my bed beside me, and my dog Max on the floor. To people that know me, they may find this as odd as I do. See Max and I don’t get along, he pays no attention to me, as if I do not exist in the house. If I talk to him he gives me a strange look. And he has NEVER, EVER, stepped one foot inside my room. But for some reason today I woke up to him lying next to my bed, looking as if that is where he sleeps every night. He looked up at me, and then licked my face, I ran my fingers over his head and down his back as far as I could reach, and I talked to him. He just looked at me, not moving, almost looking as if he understood me. After our chat I stumbled out of bed, and I do mean stumbled: I felt as if my head weighed ten thousand pounds and surely the neighbors could hear it pounding… I headed into the bathroom and shut the door. From that point I don’t remember what got me from there to my car in my driveway. I vaguely remember finding all my clothes folded and in my hamper, I remember watching my bunny run in circles for quite some time, I remember Max following my around the house, and the little dog barking a lot. I don’t remember much more. I don’t remember how long I was sitting in my car, although I imagine it must have been for a while, because the heat was so hot that I ended up sweating, and my car takes a while to heat up. I drove to school without music or a sense that I was actually moving. I went through all the motions, turing the wheel, stepping down gradually on the gas peddle, and using my turn signals. I do remember being stared by a man in a blue beat up old truck (And no, I am not referring to the country song, this actually happened). He was the only other person stopped at the blinking red light on Middlebelt and Van Horn, and he got there before I did. It was his turn to go. Not using his turn signal, he began to make a very slow turn, all the while staring at me. And not just glancing, this was the whole deal. He had to turn his head and his whole body to keep looking at me as his car went on through the intersection. My expression never changed through this, I had sunglasses on and I never moved an inch. Maybe he thought I was dead. Which would not have been so far off from what I was inside. I don’t know what time I got here (school), but I did. I parked outside my building, and I unloaded all I could carry into my dorm room. While I was walking in I kept thinking how stupid this is to live in two places, I am sick of this routine of loading up and unloading. But then I think of my other home, where the people I love are, my free laundry, my nice bed, and I begin to forget what I was thinking about a minute earlier. Then I slammed my head into the door, and it suddenly came back to me. I made two trips this time, which is what I usually end up making, the laundry being one, and the “other crap” being two. This trip I brought up some of my beloved children’s books. When I am depressed I like to look through them, read them, stare at the pictures, and try to remember what it felt like to read them when I was little. Then I remembered I did not put money in the meter, and I can’t afford a ticket, so I counted out one dollar in dimes and nickels and walked out to the car, half expecting a ticket to already be there. One was not. I put in the money with great difficulty, it seems that the meter I was at got stuck every time you put a coin in. I might have been okay with this if I had only four quarters to put in, but i did not, I had about six dimes and however many nickels it takes to make a dollar. I began to mutter beshrew things to the meter, and before I knew it, a few people where watching me. However I did not care. I inserted the last nickel and walked up the hill to the health center. I needed to get a shot for a fieldtrip on thrusday. I walked in and filled out my forms, she (the lady behind the desk) looked them over, typed into the computer, and asked me to take a seat. i read over a free pamphlet. It was entitled “How to protect your computer users.” The title did not make sense to me. Why not “Protect Computer Users”. The “your” that was added in did not fit. I opened it and read every page before being called. I slid the pamphlet in my purse with the intention of giving it to Noel, and I followed the lady into the back room. She didn’t say her name or ask me for mine. She asked me to pull up my sleeve, and I turned away as she began to rub on the cleanser. I have always been a big baby about getting shots, and this tme it was no different. She uncapped the needle and told me that I would feel a little poke and then a sting. I closed my eyes as I felt both. She wiped me off and told me I was done. I asked if it would stop bleeding and she said in a minute. I looked at my arm and there was a poof of skin sticking up. She told me it would go away soon. She gave me no cottonball and no bandaid. This upset me. The bandaid was always part of the shot process. No matter how old you were. When you were little it was linked to a toy or a sucker, but the bandaid remained, a constant. Now the constant has been taken away. I feel deprived. As I walk out of the clinic, my arm begins to hurt. I don’t think my arm is actaully hurting, I think it is my mind telling me that my arm should hurt, and that it should be sore. I try to shake the feeling off. As I walk back to my room my stomach growls. I am hungry. I dismiss that as well, I don’t feel like eating. I walk into my room and throw my coat on my bed. It smells strange in my room, as always, and I know I should go open the window to get rid of it. I don’t. I get out a bandaid from my supply box and I put it on. This gives me peace of mind. I feel better. I sit down at the computer. I read over some websites that I read often. I read the livejournals. Then I began to write this entry. Midway through I remembered about the meter on my car. I don’t care. About five minutes after that I remember that I cannot afford a ticket. I walk out to the car. No ticket, again. I drive my car over into the next parking lot. I find a place closer than usual and it makes me happy, I think to myself: “That could very well be the best thing that will happen to me today.” Then I realize that is negative and I try to think positive, it’s hard sometimes. The sun isn’t out. I feel happy when the sun is out. My ears begin to get really cold as I walk inside. I think that I would like them to get really really cold and then i could crack them off. That way they wouldn’t be cold anymore. I also couldn’t hear. But what couldn’t I hear? All I could hear were the swoosh swoosh sounds of the guy’s coat in front of me as he walked, and the crunches of leaves as people step on them. All the birds are gone, even the squirrels that are still out gathering the last bits of food are silent now. Maybe that is why everyone gets a little depressed this time of year in Michigan. It’s like everything around you dies. Snow falls and it becomes cold, but there are no noises. No birds, no insects, no wind, no sun. I decide to go into the Eastern Eateries on my way back to get a sandwich wrap. I walk inside and make my way over to the “Wrap Express”. When I get there I notice the girl that looks like Savanna is working. I don’t know why she reminds me so much of Savanna, she just does. Maybe it’s her smile. She is always wearing many name tags, so I never know what her name is. I stand in line, there is always a line. I am the fourth one back. The guy in front of me is wearing big baggy jeans, a black shirt and a bright orange hat. The girl in front of him is wearing a jean and “brown” outfit. Everything matched, the shoes, the hat, the purse. I am guessing her underwear matched as well. I thought for the first time what I must look like. I didn’t care really, I was not there to impress, I was there to get food. The two girls that were being helped were friends. They ordered the exact same thing - a North American Wrap* - which is what every other person gets because it is only 250 compared to all the other wraps that are at least 400. The people working ask the girls what sauce they want. They both say “No sauce” at the same time. They giggle afterwards. I tried to remember the last time I giggled. I think I was on Noel’s couch and he was being very funny. He is always very funny. I admire that so much in him. I ordered my sandwich, a North American Wrap*, the one serving me is not the Savanna look-alike. As I stand there I look at her, trying to figure out what reminds me of Savanna. She never looks up at me. I notice that up close, she doesn’t look like her as much as I thought. I grab a cup to get my pop while I am waiting for my sandwich. I push my cup against the ice dispenser and nothing comes out. This always happens. I carry the empty cup over to the other pop machine and fill it up. I go back and get my sandwich and head towards the cashier. When I get there I have to get a lid for my pop. I think it is strange that the lids are located there. It holds up the line. The napkins, condiments, and straws are located outside the food area, but the lids, the lids have to be on the inside, they have to hold up the line. I think about saying something, but it never goes farther than that. I leave the Eateries and return to my dorm room. I am here now. I have eaten and I feel a little more awake, and a little more like myself. I have talked to Noel and he sounds happy. He got a shot today, but his came with a bandaid. I was jealous, but happy for him. I talked to Josh online. He bought a boat. We talked for a little while about life, and then we said goodbye. Dave is not online, I read his away message anyway. I think he knows how I feel sometimes. I can’t be sure, but I think he does. I read his website, and I understand. We think alike sometimes, it’s nice. Courtney went back up to school today. It’s fun when I get to see her. I hope she is happy. I think of how things were in high school, in elementary school, and even last summer. It makes me sad and very happy at the same time. My bandaid is starting to come off. I like it on my arm, covering my shot, it’s comforting. Noel suggested I take a nap, that sounds really fun. I love him. I don’t know what I do without him. My head hurts still. I am running out of things to write, as if what I have already written is not enough. I hope the sun comes out soon. I like the sun.

* A North American Wrap consists of turkey, lettuce, cheddar cheese, tomato, and whatever sauce you want.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 10th, 2003 at 3:26 pm and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.